So there will be no photos to illustrate all the fun and the glamorous life we live on Slow Flight in this blog post….even though I know that is what most people want. However, what comes with all the fun shown in our blog posts, there are lots of little crazy moments that come with it too. I decided to write about an “event” that had been building in my head and heart and finally came to fruition at Pangkor.
Let me remind you, and me, that we had been traveling with lots of other boats…lots of other people…constantly going to rally events…and let’s not forget our time in Lombok (school building) for almost 5 months straight. Now if you know me at all, you know I am a super social person, an extravert, and love hosting dinners (or happy hours) and giving to those in need. But I must have a limit…. or something….I just broke down.
I still don’t quite understand why I “lost my marbles” at Pangkor but basically what happened was I literally broke down..sobbing, snot everywhere, hard to breathe, you know the drill. Thankfully I was able to keep some dignity….this happened late at night aboard Slow Flight with just Trevor and I.
I felt, at the time, I had lost something…like my soul…or my independance…or myself?! I had an incredible strong need to travel by myself to gain confidence again, push my personal limits, be anonymous, be awed by nature again and experience the kindness of human nature with people whom I would not know their language but by instead, our actions to one another….in other words…find me!
I believe my need to be/travel by myself was just to reconnect with me, without Trevor or the boat. We become so much a part of each other, boat included, that I had become the boat, the trip, the weather, and somewhere along the line lost who I am…sounds crazy right? I use to travel to the Washington/Oregon coast by myself once a year back when I was in my 20’s…Just me on the beach and the ocean, and probably a bottle of wine in the pouring rain… that is what I wanted at Pangkor.
You are probably thinking to yourself…”Self..isn’t that what she is doing right now, being out there…finding herself?”
Yes …you are correct… mostly. But it’s bigger than just ME…..even those feelings I felt in Pangkor…it’s more about purpose.
I often ask myself and Trevor, “what are we doing out here?” but usually that is right after a boat part breakdown or storm of sort…this time, in Pangkor, the question felt different…from inside, not just a reaction. At the time, it felt like “floating out here” just wasn’t quite enough for me…I know…how ungrateful that sounds…but it was true at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong…we both feel incredibly fortunate to have even been financially able to untie the lines and get this far. We are additionally grateful for all help and support, both at home and the wonderful people we have meet…seriously life long friends and memories that will keep me smiling for decades.
It is more than just seeing a cool thing out here like the photos we show… sometimes the experiences you have don’t make an impression on you or you don’t realize how much that experience influenced you until much later.
Our experience building the school in Lombok was the hardest manual work I have done in over a decade. Exhausted everyday, dirty, sweaty, back breaking work….it was the best memory and time I have had to date of our sailing years. Why? It gave me purpose, and Trevor too (we talked about it). We worked flawlessly, united, full of energy and with great cause…we do make a great team!
Lombok gave me not only a glimpse of what it was to work since I left my job 3 years ago, but also an empty feeling later, surprisingly. Now I am feeling a sense of fear that I would not be able to reconcile this incredible feeling we had in Lombok with an earning income job back home.
I know I am not the only one or the first one who has felt this way and of course not the last. I guess I am choosing to talk about it here to show and remind myself and others that out here we are still human…going through real feelings and we are not always drinking mai tais on beautiful beaches.
I promise, I won’t go on too much longer…. as I write we are great… nothing stays the same forever…and this too passed..but still in the back of my mind. Sometimes I still struggle with what my purpose is out here or even grander…when we get back home. Time will tell…. I am hopeful and will be patient…I promise.
Thanks for listening : )
Thanks for posting this Kimi. It’s important to share the highs and the lows which we all go through at some stage. It’s not all a bed of roses as we both know. I hope you have found a measure of peace and joy.
Thank you Jeremy, your family and I both know and have experienced similar events in our travels together and I share the pain that comes along with not understanding WHY you are feeling these feelings. However, I have learned that everything does not stay the same forever…. both good and bad…hang in there and big hugs : )
Thanks for sharing this Kimi.
It’s definitely not all Mai Tais and sunsets, and in fact, I think it’s entirely normal and even healthy to find yourself questioning your purpose.
For most of us cruisers, our purpose for many years was just to actually get to the point where we could untie the lines.
That’s a huge goal in itself, and once you’ve achieved it and are out here, it does leave a gap, albeit one filled by lots of fun, hard work, excitement, dread, sweat and, yes, sunsets and booze.
To then find a new purpose among the ruins of Lombok, and galvanise so many others too, was as valuable for you (and the other cruisers too, I suspect) as it was for the people you were helping.
And so I’m not at all surprised that it left such a chasm after it was finished.
At the very least you’ve given yourself a taste of what will make you passionate when you return to a land-based life – perhaps the legacy of Lombok will be something that will have an even more lasting impact on you than the people you helped.
In the meantime, thanks again for sharing, and especially for conjuring up the image of your snot xx
Peter, you are too kind and thank you for the kind words. Additionally it is always validating when another cruiser can relate to your situation….You make such a great point…when we all start out we are so consumed with what we need to do to leave and later after a bit (or years) “something” can feel empty and isolating out here. But it’s people like you and Jen (and Dixie the cat) that rejuvenates us, keeps us in the moment, and for that we are thankful!
And you’re welcome for the imagery of snot…don’t you forget it ; )
You write beautifully, Kimi, with heartfelt emotion and openness. Many of us can share your feelings. Carry on and be happy, most of the time – but alas not always.
Hope to see you and Trevor somewhere down the road….Michael
Whew, thank you for this, Kimi. It completes the picture of your lives so far from “home”, where I sit and wish I could give you a big hug. This, of course, is what makes you a survivor – being able to acknowledge the lows, feel them, accept them, and finally love yourself in spite of them. It’s the highs and the lows and everything in between. Life! And I am loving your life as I follow you around the world :^D
Love and hugs to you both,
Jan
Been there myself – right there – while visiting Pangkor, actually. Sonrisa kicked me out in disgust (of the snot, probably) and sent me on a road trip to the Cameron Highlands.